Next Bus Home

Hello World! Happy Halloween! Another month passes by and yet this blog passes my mind, I don’t have nearly enough time or commitment value to keep it going. So this month, I’m just going to include song lyrics from a darker time of my life, a couple of summers ago. The lyrics below are for a song called “Next Bus Home.” The songs that are somewhat similar to what it could sound like would be “More Heart, Less Attack” by NeedtoBreathe or “Sink or Swim” by Jason Wade. I was staying the summer in Austin, but I couldn’t keep myself busy enough between my two jobs after finishing my summer class, so I had to go home. I am grateful that God has gotten through those hard times where I all I wanted to do to go home rather than keep going. Here’s “Next Bus Home.”

 Every time I have tried
For every tear I cried
There’s no reason to deny
I was never satisfied
 
If I had a reason to stay
To not want to go away
I remind myself that I’m okay
And that’s all I have to say
 
I didn't know I would get this far,
I thought I would've fallen apart.
So take my broken open heart.
Let me be a light in the dark.
 
Dispel all my doubts and fears
I want your love to live here
I want it all to disappear
I’ll hold on and kept you near
 
I didn't know I would get this far,
by now, I should've fallen apart.
So know the desires of my heart.
Give me a place to start
So take my broken open heart.
Let me be a light in the dark.
 
The epiphany I’ve been shown
To the all fear I had known
I don’t want to go it alone
I’ll be leaving on the next bus home.
 
I’ll be heading, to where I am home.

Until next time,

The Nerd of May

An Offer Anxiety Can’t Refuse

Hello World!

While this month ends, (September) I realize I can’t finish the big blog post I’m currently working on. I haven’t posted this month. Anxiety wants me to freak out. I have already in such small blips. I feel like I have to release all of the bottled-up anxiety that shakes me, like the 2 Liter Dr. Pepper I brought to church youth group for quite a while. I fizzle over as much as I try to contain it. It’s hard to express emotions when you have to keep it altogether for those you love.

There is one person I love, who I don’t have to keep it altogether for though. I don’t have to wear a fake smile. God. God only knows my struggles. God knows everything. I can take all my anxiety to Jesus, who loves me besides my anxiety. God does not want me to anxious, but it is a natural feeling. I’m no stranger to anxiety. At Camp Texas before my freshman year, my camp, the Ring of Fire, had an icebreaker where we would introduce ourselves with an adjective that starts with the same first letter as our name, our name and an action that we all did. I called myself “Anxious Andy,” and I held my hands to my mouth like I was biting my nails. Anxiety has come to me anytime. Even when I first visited the one of the toughest engineering professors at UT Austin, Dr. Rodin, in office hours, I had an anxiety attack and nearly cried while he suggested I go to the mental health clinic on campus. That was early in the semester. I did get to contact them and visit them later on that semester.

There’s the common go-to bible verses for anxiety.

“Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your minds in Christ Jesus.”

-Philippians 4:6-7

I do believe God is truly speaking to our anxieties here. So, we are called to answer to our anxieties with prayer, being thankful for all that God has given to us. We can let God know our struggle is real and He can help put us at peace.I want to take it just a step further than that. I have anxiety in my prayer life. I feel like I have to pray the rosary every day and go pray this and that. These are good habits, but they can be poisoned by my anxiety. I tend to focus on the “requirement”. Sound familiar? Plot twist: It’s about intention. Intentional prayer is the answer. Sure, I do enjoy my daily rosary, though I might mess up. I want to focus on the intention. I like to have the mediation of the mysteries of Jesus’s and Mary’s lifes. I like to think about the mysteries, and truly wonder why they are a mystery.

I like to think of a few more things before I finish tonight, and one is for tomorrow morning. In the morning, I like to do the Morning Offering prayer. I pray some version of this in the morning for quite a while. I first received a version of this while in Spiritual Direction when I struggled with offering up things. This prayer covers just about covers everything.

O Jesus, through the Immaculate Heart of Mary, I offer you my prayers, works, joys and sufferings of this day for all the intentions of your Sacred Heart, in union with the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass throughout the world, for the salvation of souls, the reparation of sins, the reunion of all Christians, and in particular for the intentions of the Holy Father this month.
Amen.

So, I’m going to let my blog become a bit of an offering to God. That way it all comes back to God, and I’m not too anxious about editing it too much or delaying it. It’s so God can speak through me in many different ways. I’ll end with a verse I probably mentioned before in a different post that I memorized in Boy Scouts.

Therefore, whether you eat of drink or whatever you do, do it all for the Glory of God.

-1 Corinthians 10:31

Until I write again,

The Nerd of May

Retro-Perspective

Hello World!

As I hold myself accountable for writing a blog post about once a month, and that my last blog post was about a past event, it’s time for update. This post will be a bit more current. It will be very electric.

So, a month ago, I started my new job at Barry Engineering as an Engineer in Training. This is only my second engineering job ever, and to be honest, I’m pretty lucky to get this far. I overlooked this company. I had the company in my “Job Database”, which is just an Excel spreadsheet I used to keep track of my job applications for a while. I’m not very good at keeping track, because I started only adding dates to my database until after I graduated. Adding on to that, technically, Barry Engineering was listed as “Berry Engineering” at one point. They say hindsight is 20/20, but 2020’s not until next year.

The Right Kind of Fear

Imagine the mountainside rising in front of you. Each step is a struggle. The trail leads up, but it’s your slipping feet holding you. The only other security is a chain-links connected to some poles in the rock. Even then, the chain sways back and forth as you grab on to it. You walk further up. Each step gets you closer to the top, your goal. You’re scared. You walk further up. Side-step for security. Hold on. You’re afraid, but somehow you make it to the top.

A few years ago, during Spring Break in 2015, I went to Zion National Park and hiked up to Angel’s Landing. More accurately, it was a climb. I came with my father, but his fear of heights caused him to stop partway and let me go on further. I was persistent on making in it to the top. You’d think I’d be afraid. I was scared out of my mind. Somehow, I made it.

My dad and I on the way down from the mountain.
Continue reading “The Right Kind of Fear”

Graduation Weekend, Part 1

Hello World!

It was one of the amazing feelings I have ever felt. I was so happy, yet so nervous. It was the satisfying culmination of all the accomplishments I made. I was grateful to God for every moment, everything leading up to it and everything after it. All the people I met, old and new. We celebrated all that we’ve learned. I hope for the best for the future. ‘

The future of that moment is where I am now. I was describing my graduation from the University of Texas in Austin just over 3 weeks ago. I want to tell some of the stories of the weekend and how that compares to now. Why I am writing this a little later is not a result of busyness, but rather recalling all that happened will help me deal with the mellow transition time that I’m in now and make it worth while just like my graduation. I have separated the weekend into two posts, this is the first one. The second one can be found by clicking this sentence when it’s finished. If there’s no link, I should be working on it.

Continue reading “Graduation Weekend, Part 1”

Go Big or Go Home

Hello World!

I just wanna go home.

No, let me explain. The phrase “Go Big or Go Home” is meant for you to pursue your dreams and became famous and well-known in your field or go home depressed. I think that following your dreams is not wrong, but I think we all need to take a new perspective on this phrase. Going home shouldn’t be the end of the journey, a fall from grace. Going home is part of the journey, a fall back to grace.

I’m laughing off my many assignments and enjoying the moment.
Photo credit: Joanne Nguyen
Continue reading “Go Big or Go Home”